Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.
– Audre Lorde
I just broke up with my boyfriend. That’s the reason why I am starting this blog. I said it.
I know what’s going through your mind right now:
“Here is another white girl complaining about her privileged problems. This is probably some kind of eat. pray. love. bullshit”
You’re right. This is most likely some eat pray love bullshit. But I also want it to be more then that. I’m going to try to make it more than that.
I’m fat. I’m bisexual. But mainly I’m just fat. And my fatness has dictated how I live my life. Not by my choice. But by societies choice. All of my problems, all of my issues (even breaking up with my boyfriend), have to do with my fatness. Sorry, let me clarify. All of my problems and issues have to do with society’s perception of my fatness. I love my fat. I love the thickness of my body. I love the way my skin squishes together and rolls between my fingers. I love the natural curvature of my naked body and the way my body jiggles when I move. So no, it’s not my fatness that has ruined my life thus far – it’s society.
It’s the same society that awards me with so much privilege just because I was born white and rich. It’s the same society that pays my salary at a non-profit that serves people experiencing homelessness without actually considering addressing the real issues – capitalism and white supremacy. It’s the same society that made me so shameful, so full of guilt, so immobilized in my privilege, that time and time again I did not use my privilege to speak up for those who are screaming but no one listens. It’s the same society that convinced me to break up with my transgender boyfriend because he suffers from chronic illness/pain and may not be able to financially contribute to our home in the future. It’s the same society that has filled me with so much hatred for myself that I am losing my ability to see the forest for the trees. It stops now.
This is a place for personal learning and growth. I want to explore topics here that I am scared to explore on my own social media for fear of ridicule and judgement or for fear of getting it wrong. If I say something that is oppressive, problematic, or ignorant, Call me out! I am committed to continually checking myself and growing. I am committed to putting in the work and educating myself. I am committed to fighting with you.
But the main purpose for this blog will be to find a way to radically accept myself again. I didn’t come out of the womb with self hatred and shame. I learned it. And I want to unlearn it.
Shall we do this together?